Once upon a time, I was a solid sleep-through-the-night mom. Now my mind is so full, I often wake up just after midnight, unable to sleep. Just pondering over many things. Space taken up from yesterday, the past three years of Utah life, and even moments from decades ago. Is it my age--48, soon to be 49.... just 5 years from the age my mom died? Or is it these oh-so-fabulous perimenopause hormones messing with my brain, emotions and sleep? Probably a bit of everything, right?
At first, I tend to be overwhelmed. I worry about my kids. Did I share my love and gratitude for the Savior and the gospel enough? Do they know how much I absolutely love and adore each of them? How much my heart aches for them as they navigate college and adult life struggles? How much I cheer for them as they keep moving forward through each day? I worry about them finding good friends, feeling needed, loved, and accepted for exactly the awesome human being they are. I pray for them in these quiet hours when everyone else is asleep. I worry about my hubby, our health, our home, and what the future holds. I worry about my church callings, how I served, if I'm serving enough, if I'm spending my time doing the right things.
My mind cycles through so many thoughts until I force myself to switch my brain and think of everything I'm thankful for. And right at the top is my family and my faith. Usually this helps me to calm down, find peace, and be able to rest again. But tonight is one of those rare nights that I just can't settle. So here I am, on a blog I've thought about a few times over the past six years, but have neglected. I pulled myself out of the bed that felt suffocating so I could just word-vomit into the void of a mostly forgotten blog.
I am so thankful for a Heavenly Father who continues to remind little old me that I am enough. Even when I feel so lacking, He sends me quiet reminders that while I'm not perfect, I am on the right path and I am a precious daughter of God.
I had an interesting experience when I served as Relief Society President for my Utah congregation (Sept 2022-March 2025). Our congregation had just been formed and with such a new neighborhood, there were so many people who didn't know each other. I had only lived there for three months when the congregation was created and I was asked to serve as RSP. But as I prayed for and visited each of the women in our congregation, it was amazing how Heavenly Father helped me to see just how beautiful and incredible each of them are. When I conducted our Sunday meetings and monthly activities, I would look out at all of their faces and just intensely feel how much Heavenly Father loved them, how very aware He is of all that's happening in their lives. Having this perspective while I served gave me the most amazing testimony of the Savior Jesus Christ and how much He absolutely loves us and how the Atonement truly is His gift to us so that we can find healing and peace each day.
I have loved the scripture in Helaman 5:12 since the first time I read the Book of Mormon at age 15. I love how it talks about Jesus being the rock of our foundation, a foundation so sure that even when life's most tumultuous storms turn our lives upside down and inside out, if we focus on our Savior, if we allow ourselves a moment to just pray, to invite the Savior to be with us, to help us in those moments, He will be the foundation that will help us survive it all. He won't take away those challenges, but He WILL walk beside us and help us find peace as we navigate that storm. He is our rock.
I didn't journal about my experiences as RSP because so many of them involved very tender experiences that belonged to the women I served. But every single time I was called to a home or sat to listen or just hugged a sister as I welcomed her on Sundays, I could feel Heavenly Father and the Savior's love for them. I witnessed over and over and over again the truth of that scripture. I saw how Heavenly Father, the Savior Jesus Christ, and their angels showed up in these women's lives. It was truly the most humbling and beautiful way I have ever been asked to serve.
As I cycle back to my worries at the beginning of this post, I am reminded how important the word 'remember' is in the scriptures. I used to think of it as a bit of a filler word (Oh remember, remember...), but it's a word that holds so much power. Remembering has the power to ease our worries--even possibly wipe them away depending on the circumstances. But for me, this remembering gives me hope. While I'll still continue worrying for my kids (because honestly, I think that's just a mama thing that never fades), remembering gives me hope for all the good ahead for my family and that fills me with peace. Because I know Heavenly Father and their Savior are walking this journey alongside my kids. And They know my kids even better than I do.
And that may just be enough for this middle-aged mama to be able to settle back into bed and get the sleep she needs. =)
